i don’t know, maybe some of you know the expirience or at least something similar. i was thinking about asking this on the more general trans comm, but … idk.
i used to play the male part for most of my life. i soon discovered, i liked boys a lot. (also i did like girls, but that faded somehow. i have new theories abt that…). it took long to accept that, even longer to embrace it. but when i went to uni in another town, i did not want to hold anything back anymore: i was gayyyyy.
i think now, that i repressed a lot of my bisexuality in that move. i wanted to be that deviant boykisser. what did i like abt homosexual relations?
- hotties be hotties ofc.
- it was radical defiance of norms! (edgy, i know. but that’s what it felt like. the drama is different)
- i wasn’t expected to use my genitalia for penetration. (that i understand now)
- i was allowed, to be softer, more feminine in presence of gay men. (that too, i only see now)
i know and accept, that i am trans for 1,5 years now. i’m on hrt for 6 month and it was the right choice. over the last months i joked about being unsure how i felt being straight now. it’s not a joke. it’s ramping up in the last weeks. there is this first thing, that it’s basically not true, that i am exclusively into men. but i come to understand that of all men it’s the gay ones (the fruity ones to be precise) that i love, as friends and as partners.
i am afraid rn that i am closing that door. that gay space i called home for 15 years (or so) may still welcome me, but it won’t be my space anymore. it’s bad statistcs, but gay men treat me differently. (which means i look more and more fem? yay.) it is less flirty (in the “yeah we’re all gay” way, not the sexual way). i can’t really describe a thing yet that i only noticed when it stopped.
i am sad. i can not see me dating heterosexual men. i know bi men exist, and even some heteros are a little softer. but this is not so much about dating. i am not interested in that rn. it’s more about the label and an image of oneself. i feel naked without that gayness.
i feel there is a specific gay expirience, when you have to ask yourself for the first time if it might be okay to show some affection (just a little) toward your crush/friend. to show weakness, to break out of your role. i feel this was an expirience that connected me with my partners in the past.
ok i am loosing my point. TL;DR: i am increasingly sad, that i am not gay anymore.
xoxo kluczyczka
(also, do i call myself ex-gay now, to annoy the biggots?)
Are you familiar with the concept of cultural Judaism? Jewish is unique in describing a religion, an ethnicity, and a cultural group. Someone can be raised in Jewish faith and culture, walk away from the religious aspect, but still retain much of the culture. Someone like Einstein was culturally Jewish. He was open about and identified with his heritage, but he was an atheist in terms of belief.
I would say you’re culturally gay. You had your most formative years in the gay community. You may no longer meet the definition of ‘gay’ as an orientation, but you’re still culturally gay. If you spend long enough time in a community, you can retain cultural attachments to that community even if you no longer meet the defining central feature uniting that community.
i do. it will always make sense to point out that gay upbringing. but in a way i lost my faith. and i mourn that loss. tbc i am not going to label myself as gay soon, or reclaim the label in any way, bc it would feel incredibly dysphoric. it feels like a breakup with a part of my identity. …