In all seriousness, having them as consultants might improve performances of the Nutcracker ballet.

The target:

As if they’re not doing similar things:

Especially for a minor American pundit in Australia. What’s even the point? She knows far less about Australian politics than American politics and that’s already a very low bar.

I’m getting really tired of this kind of doomerism. Look, just because a tariff-loving, bigoted republican president is inflating securities markets wildly beyond their historical maximum book values by orders of magnitude in the context of sharply rising unemployment and homelessness, doesn’t mean we’re revisiting 1930s economic conditions. So I don’t want to hear anymore about removed-environmental-protections this, and exponentially-increasing-environmental-disasters that. Just nut up, ignore the once-in-a generation, escalating geopolitical tensions, and go persecute some minorities just like Jesus Washington said to do in the Bible Constitution.

-Newsmax probably

Different receptors. Also, cigarettes are way more addictive.

Edit: Did I get pushback for stating that cigarettes are highly addictive?

Given the apparent success rate, I’d call it, “Mission: Probable.”

You weren’t kidding. The number of times they correctly identify problems and their causes almost seems impressive right up until they propose the worst possible solution.

“Your house is collapsing.”

“We’re aware.”

“Seems like fire is decomposing the structure.”

“Yeah, and we’re not too happy about that.”

“Fires don’t exist without fuel.”

“Fair enough.”

“If you pour gasoline on it, the fuel will run out sooner.”

Edit: Upon further reading, this has got to be run by the DPRK.

Looks pretty good for a 22-year-old working the night shift.

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/breasted-boobily

You got that right, Yoda.

Thanks! It’s all just adapted from the original:

Cassandra woke up to the rays of the sun streaming through the slats on her blinds, cascading over her naked chest. She stretched, her breasts lifting with her arms as she greeted the sun. She rolled out of bed and put on a shirt, her nipples prominently showing through the thin fabric. She breasted boobily to the stairs, and titted downwards.

Mark woke up to the rays of the sun streaming through the slats on his blinds, cascading over his naked posterior. He stretched, his flanks lifting with his glutes as he greeted the sun. He rolled out of bed and put on compression shorts, the sinews of his haunches prominently showing through the thin fabric. He bottomed buttingly to the stairs, and derriered downwards.

Don’t give them ideas. If I end up in a drone factory making $8/hr, I’m blaming you first.

Guaranteed they asked when her last cycle was.

Thank you! That was hilarious. I am truly honored.

I can’t believe every time I’ve been to a Japanese restaurant, they’ve been offering me a phone charger in the form of miso soup. I must have come across as a complete dunce.

“Did you offer them the complimentary phone charger?”

“Yeah, but, uh…”

“But what?”

“They…well, they drank it.”

“They drank the battery fluid?!”

“Yeah. I mean it’s technically non toxic. Said it tasted great.”

“Hmm, customer is always right I guess. How are they doing with the nigiri? Were they able to grill it okay with the shichirin?”

“They definitely enjoyed it, but it also got a little weird. They called it a hibachi, remarked about its pleasant glow and heat, and then took the set of skewers I had given them, held them kind of like tweezers or tongs, grabbed the nigri with them and ate the whole thing raw.”

“They ate it raw?!”

“Yep. Said it was the best sushi they’ve had, too.”

“Alright, just give me a moment to think. We need to avoid shaming them, but one of them is bound to visit Japan at some point. I think I’m going to have to call the prime minister and get ahead of this.”

“And what? Rewrite every history book and have every citizen change their habits?”

“How much did that slab of bluefin cost? How many pieces of sushi can it make? What does a piece of sushi sell for?”

[Sigh] “Alright, I’ll get you in touch with her.”

This is the way…except for that last part. Someone got my touring bike. I know their life probably sucks already if they’re that desperate, but a small part of me still kind of hopes they step barefoot on a Lego brick, like right in the heel, every single day until they turn away from their life of crime.

194k miles, but I got nothing on this guy with 3,260,257 miles:

https://www.jalopnik.com/2094783/highest-mileage-car-ever-volvo-p1800/

My current car is under 15k. I got it new in 2020 because I thought I would have to commute forever. Fate smiled on me and now I walk or take public transportation most places. It’s weird having something that’s been essential my whole life become more of a cost than a benefit. It would have bene way cheaper to use a mixture of rental cars and ride shares if I could have seen the future. As it is, it’s paid off, fuel efficient, and cheap to maintain. I’ll keep it, but it’s probably my last car.

"Our country is ceasing fire again. In fact, we’re ceasing fire so much that we really don’t know what to do about it. Iranis are asking me, ‘Please, please, please, Mister President, we’re ceasing fire too much. We can’t take it anymore,’” Trump said before launching another barrage of Raytheon, surface-to-surface cease fires.