So, you’ve undergone a lifetime of exposure to transphobia that makes it really hard to explore and accept who you are. It makes it hard to even understand who you are.

So what you can do, is let yourself accept that you don’t have to have all of the answers, you don’t have to have 100% certainty to explore. What you need to do isn’t to gatekeep yourself behind having all the answers, but rather, give yourself permission to explore what works for you, what fits, what doesn’t fit, and ultimately, find the things that give you the answers!

tl;dr - You don’t need all of the answers to start exploring. You can start exploring to find the answers

ill usually just fall back to the age old “girl button” question, and every time without fail I would press a girl button. so that answers anything i neeed to hear to myself

That can be rough, and I’ve seen a lot of trans folks express similar doubts. 🫂

First: HRT is completely reversible in the short term (some effects are permanent, but not usually until months in and even then they need time to grow/change). Remind yourself you can stop if you find it isn’t helping you. Stopping if your feelings turn out to be true here is simply just that… stopping. You’ll have lots of opportunities to figure out if you like the changes or not.

Second: I’ve had someone tell me, “if you do it when you’re alone, you’re not doing it for attention”. That was in response to similar feelings you’re expressing. I ride that question out every time I ask myself if I was right to transition. I’ve consistently found that I both do this while I’m alone and that I feel less and less unsure as time has gone on.

Try reminding yourself of that. Feeling doubt is feeling doubt, but does that doubt actually make you want to stop? Do you do it when you’re alone? Is it for you or someone else?

We’ve spent our lives hiding our real selves. It can feel really scary to finally be this vulnerable and it can be very appealing to hide again. I’m happy you’re giving yourself a chance.