QUANTICO, VA—Alarmed by what he described as the inability of supposedly elite law enforcement officers to approach and seduce attractive women, FBI director Kash Patel confirmed Thursday that he had invited all agents at the bureau to train with professional pickup artists. “The sad fact is that few, if any, federal agents use the three-second rule […]

Edited to point to the archive.org version – the Onion seems to have deleted the OG post. Thanks to bingrazer for the heads up!