i always knew i was good at school, just really unmotivated. i squeaked by in middle and high school getting As on all the tests but never doing any homework, like literally never. i didnt realize that would translate into anything meaningful for me until i got to engineering school. i almost got a 4.0 in a degree program most people struggle to get Cs. i still didnt think it meant much because school isnt real life. it took a few years of working as an engineer to realize im actually pretty good at it. i routinely catch things that more experienced engineers missed, and seem to have a bottomless well of ideas to solve problems, some of which are really good. i do most of my work from first principles because i really need to understand what im doing, while some engineers just apply what they already know uncritically.

its honestly really hard acknowledging any of this because ive been punished so many times for showing or stating my abilities. like i have to be exceptional to get by but im not allowed to remind anyone of it. so many people in my life have gotten butt hurt because i can do something better than them rather than just being fucking proud of me. most of those people were men. go figure.