When I realized at 19 that I’d been raised with nothing but lies, my entire reality crumbled in front of me, and part of me died that day.
This is such an underappreciated aspect of the experience of leaving something like that, looking from the outside you just think “finally they got out of that dark deep pit” but for you that moment must have been in one way the bottom of the pit as you exited a reality that defined you into one where you had to rebuild most or all of your definitions.
I imagine it felt good, but also I can totally see how it would feel like a death.
as you exited a reality that defined you into one where you had to rebuild most or all of your definitions
And by extension, everything that had been constructed using those definitions. My understanding of who I was as a person had to be redefined. My values, my preferences, my likes and dislikes were all based on the cult and had to be redefined.
All my hopes and dreams were gone, because they had been built on a fantasy understanding of reality. My understanding of what the future would look like was gone, and with it the security of having a place in that future. In the cult, I was supposed to be something great, groomed to follow the footsteps of the apostles, but outside of it I am a nobody.
It didn’t feel good in the slightest, it just felt so overwhelming and terrifying and confusing. I had no footing I could trust, my compass was freewheeling, I was just ragdolling through the void with no idea of where I’d land.
It’s better now, but only because I got very lucky in a few key areas. I’m entirely serious when I say that if it hadn’t been for a few friends to help me through it, I never would have gotten back on my feet, and even then, I’ve never gotten very far.
This is such an underappreciated aspect of the experience of leaving something like that, looking from the outside you just think “finally they got out of that dark deep pit” but for you that moment must have been in one way the bottom of the pit as you exited a reality that defined you into one where you had to rebuild most or all of your definitions.
I imagine it felt good, but also I can totally see how it would feel like a death.
And by extension, everything that had been constructed using those definitions. My understanding of who I was as a person had to be redefined. My values, my preferences, my likes and dislikes were all based on the cult and had to be redefined.
All my hopes and dreams were gone, because they had been built on a fantasy understanding of reality. My understanding of what the future would look like was gone, and with it the security of having a place in that future. In the cult, I was supposed to be something great, groomed to follow the footsteps of the apostles, but outside of it I am a nobody.
It didn’t feel good in the slightest, it just felt so overwhelming and terrifying and confusing. I had no footing I could trust, my compass was freewheeling, I was just ragdolling through the void with no idea of where I’d land.
It’s better now, but only because I got very lucky in a few key areas. I’m entirely serious when I say that if it hadn’t been for a few friends to help me through it, I never would have gotten back on my feet, and even then, I’ve never gotten very far.