so… yeah. heartbreak kinda sucks.

i met another trans girl earlier this year and we started a fwb situation. it was pretty good and i was in a slut phase, so i was hooking up with other people too and just having a good time. i slowly realized that hookups are kind of a lot of work and not really as fun as i was hoping, so i slowly stopped making an effort and ended up just seeing this girl semi-regularly. for a while i thought i could keep it casual, and i did, but i slowly started feeling more attached to her and that grew into full on feelings.

i didnt really want to have feelings, and things between us were supposed to be casual so i felt like if i made them known she would lose interest. so i ignored my feelings and hoped they would go away. well they didnt, they grew, and i had the niggling feeling that she didnt feel the same and ignored that too.

my feelings grew until i couldnt ignore them anymore. i thought about her all the time, i wondered what she was up to, i wanted to see her all the time, hear her thoughts, her feelings, do everyday things with her, hear about her day. i was happy to see her. i hate to say it but i loved her. but still i was so afraid because every time i love someone i get hurt and that niggling feeling was still there. so i didnt do anything for a while.

eventually i couldnt avoid it any more and told her what i was feeling. i said i was afraid of being hurt and i didnt want anything to change. it seemed like it went ok because initially she was normal. we had been seeing each other at least once or twice a week up to this point. she slowly got less responsive over text and she was never available. i didnt see her for 3 weeks and pretty much didnt hear from her at all the last week.

i texted her that i missed her and hoped she was ok. she texted back that she was doing great, that she had been having an intense fling with her friend from out of the country who was staying with her for the last few weeks and they had developed some intense feelings for each other and that she hoped i was doing well too…

i felt like i got stabbed in the chest. the last time i saw her i told her i was getting feelings and was afraid of being hurt and i barely hear from her for three weeks and she drops that on me. i dont want to relive the following exchange but suffice to say i ended things.

idk it hurt a lot. i cried for most of the rest of that day, this past sunday. i cried on the train to work the next day. i cried on my bike. i cried a little at work, even though i did my best to hold it in. i cried a little more when my best friend came over to keep me company. i cried a lot more after she left. just so much crying… im glad i did though. it didnt make it better but it was so nice to be able to express those emotions. sprinkled in there were a lot of moments when i just kinda froze in the middle of what i was doing for a minute or several, just feeling so down.

so she doesnt love me. for a while i kept trying to blame her for that somehow, to make myself angry at her for hurting me like that. i wanted to hurt her back, the way she hurt me. but… i cant. she doesnt love me or really care much about me, and i know now that she wouldnt, as much as i might want her to. somehow that helps, knowing theres nothing i can do, nothing i could have done to make her love me. she doesnt love me, and she wont, and she couldnt, and now i know. what a gift, to be free of that burden.

but fuck her though. she fumbled a baddie whether she knows it or not. its still gonna take a while but ill move past this and find people who do love me. thank fuck for estrogen because this would have been waaay harder on testosterone.

idk how to end this now. its more of a rant than i was expecting. thanks for reading if you got this far.

erinyes, the slut formerly known as applebusch