i don’t know, maybe some of you know the expirience or at least something similar. i was thinking about asking this on the more general trans comm, but … idk.
i used to play the male part for most of my life. i soon discovered, i liked boys a lot. (also i did like girls, but that faded somehow. i have new theories abt that…). it took long to accept that, even longer to embrace it. but when i went to uni in another town, i did not want to hold anything back anymore: i was gayyyyy.
i think now, that i repressed a lot of my bisexuality in that move. i wanted to be that deviant boykisser. what did i like abt homosexual relations?
- hotties be hotties ofc.
- it was radical defiance of norms! (edgy, i know. but that’s what it felt like. the drama is different)
- i wasn’t expected to use my genitalia for penetration. (that i understand now)
- i was allowed, to be softer, more feminine in presence of gay men. (that too, i only see now)
i know and accept, that i am trans for 1,5 years now. i’m on hrt for 6 month and it was the right choice. over the last months i joked about being unsure how i felt being straight now. it’s not a joke. it’s ramping up in the last weeks. there is this first thing, that it’s basically not true, that i am exclusively into men. but i come to understand that of all men it’s the gay ones (the fruity ones to be precise) that i love, as friends and as partners.
i am afraid rn that i am closing that door. that gay space i called home for 15 years (or so) may still welcome me, but it won’t be my space anymore. it’s bad statistcs, but gay men treat me differently. (which means i look more and more fem? yay.) it is less flirty (in the “yeah we’re all gay” way, not the sexual way). i can’t really describe a thing yet that i only noticed when it stopped.
i am sad. i can not see me dating heterosexual men. i know bi men exist, and even some heteros are a little softer. but this is not so much about dating. i am not interested in that rn. it’s more about the label and an image of oneself. i feel naked without that gayness.
i feel there is a specific gay expirience, when you have to ask yourself for the first time if it might be okay to show some affection (just a little) toward your crush/friend. to show weakness, to break out of your role. i feel this was an expirience that connected me with my partners in the past.
ok i am loosing my point. TL;DR: i am increasingly sad, that i am not gay anymore.
xoxo kluczyczka
(also, do i call myself ex-gay now, to annoy the biggots?)
In my opinion this is one reason why labeling one’s sexuality is counterproductive. Humans are changing beings and we always limit ourselves by the labels we put ourselves under.
There are certainly positives to labels, especially in that it helps people understand you better quickly, but i think the trade off is still valid… is it truly beneficial for one’s particular sexuality and the cultural connotations of living under that sexuality to be a core part of one’s identity? as queer people, we do share experiences from the systemic injustices that affect us, but it is under those labels, such as queer and lgbtqia+, we should identify with, rather than categorizing our complex selves into simple boxes that limit ourselves from exploring our own sexualities
I’m not who you replied to but I’m also searching. This is a very wise and kind comment. Thank you for sharing it
Gender too. As someone who doesn’t fit neatly into any of the boxes or current lables I’ve given up trying to explain myself to people. Nb queer is good enough I’ve decided.
‘Culturally gay’ mentioned above, really is the perfect descriptor.
i am unsure what to answer. obviously you are right. we need openness. but also every concept we use is a stepping stone in finding out what we meant to say. saying “i am gay” was my first articulation of resistance, and i carried a long time with me. it even informed my desire, in that i realise no, i am not into men, but into gay(-passing) men. in this whole dance with my self, i find myself on another dance floor now. and that shock this transgression is queerness for me. allowing oneself to drift away, from a label, and suddenly be in a totally new situation. (just like when i first found out, i liked some guys unusually much.) To notice the drift, we need to know our position. …
ah well i got carried away. ;)