So, my last post was a complete shit show. I had no idea it would get this much attention. Not necessarily happy that it did.
First off, to the moderation team, please accept this hug from this trans bunny girl right here. Because damn it, do you deserve it. I’m so sorry for what happened, I do kind of feel responsible and I’m worried that by posting this, I’m going to make things worse.
Second, it is astounding the amount of entitlement that so many men feel. In this thread, I’ve seen lots of dudes being offended but what was more striking was: A bunch of guys being told about the rule, AND DOUBLING AND SOMETIMES TRIPLING DOWN!
When I wrote this post, I was thinking of adding a huge: “Please read the rules before commenting, this is a women only space” and I didn’t do it, I didn’t want to overstep the boundaries of the moderation. I would change that, looking back.
You know what kills me about all of this? It’s that, as a transfeminine bun, the typical trans-misogynistic shit being thrown my way is that I’m just a guy disguising myself as a woman to invade “real women” spaces, to which of course, the answer always is: Guys don’t need to put in this much effort to invade women spaces, they just walk in like they own the place and it’s enough.
This post was yet another perfect demonstration of that. And men can’t understand, they just can’t, because they don’t go through it, they don’t know what it’s like, they never even have to think about it. Women are being excluded passively all over the internet, but the second there is a women only thing, we have guys constantly trying to brigade it and to destroy it because taking all the space already isn’t enough.
A woman can’t express herself online without being bombarded with reply guys telling her that she’s wrong, that she’s exaggerating, and don’t forget the usual dudes insisting that they’re part of the good ones. And god forbid if you’re expressing your frustration in a way that might be a bit too generalizing or angry, because of course “#NotAllMen”, a guy will say proving exactly that yes, it is all men. It’s not hating an entire group, it’s not being misandrist, it’s just drowning in misogyny and being rightfully pissed off about it, but we can’t even have that.
We’re never allowed to be ourselves, we’re never allowed to be vulnerable as women, we’re never allowed to vent or be upset at the shit that we have to endure from men all the time, we just have to take it. All because the average dude’s ego is both so enormous and so fragile that he can’t accept that it’s not about him, or even begin to understand that he might be the problem here when he’s been repeatedly told that this is not a space for him.
It’s incredibly disheartening. Because when it works, I love this community, it’s a safe haven on the internet. But the second we dare to talk about more than: “I love being a girl!” and go into something along the lines of: “Misogyny is crushing to deal with”, things spiral out of control and we have to deal with yet another stunning example of men barging in, seemingly desperate to prove the point.
In the beginning I said this:
I’m worried that by posting this, I’m going to make things worse.
You see this? This is exactly what I’m talking about.
I didn’t write it to prove a point, I wrote it because I’m genuinely worried about this. Because I have to actively be careful about what I do, what I say, what I wear, what I show, as to not attract the ire of misogyny. All the time. It’s always in the back of my mind, it’s a never ending anxiety. It’s something that men, even the most well meaning ones, can’t and will never be able to understand. I just wish they’d be able to accept it and to believe us.
EDIT:
IT HAPPENED HERE AS WELL! We had a guy come in, knowing full well he was breaking the rule, but he wanted to share his “personal experience”, his opinion. In other words, fucking mansplain to us why this keeps happening. He couldn’t help himself, he just had to share his unsolicited opinion because he is just that important as a man. I have people asking me all the time why I only hang out with trans people and women, and it’s simple: They respect my fucking boundaries!
I feel like part of the issue is that saying “kill all men” doesn’t sound like a critique of the system.
Here’s an example:
He didn’t think that it was about the system that normalizes misogyny and instead took it as an insult directly. He is totally in the wrong here, but it’s not hard to see why he took that view.
I personally really dislike “ACAB” and because it is often used to just turn a complicated topic into a bunch of infighting instead of actual conversation where things can be learned.
This comic perfectly explains both how something controversial like “defund the police” can just cause confusion and discord to someone unfamiliar when the second panel shows the often undiscussed meaning behind it which most will agree with
Acab is literally true. There are no good cops.
There are good men, and exactly none of them are getting mad at righteous expressions of anti-patriarchal rage in a women’s only space.
I agree, my point is that the average uninformed person doesn’t understand that concept (see 1st panel of comic)
I’m becoming more and more firm on this, personally. Yes all men. Yes all cops. I’m tired and quite frankly done with cuddling people’s feelings. We’re talking about societal structures, systems and so on. People who want to understand will, people who don’t want won’t. Please note that I might be biased because men have been throwing a ton of shit at me lately, so I’m quite pissed off but holy shit, I’m tired of having to explain myself.
It’s really understandable to feel this way, especially after your last post and this post. It’s easy for it to feel like all of them when even the proclaimed good ones don’t treat us well either. Promise there’s good men though :)
I do hope you treat yourself a little extra kind tonight. Maybe an extra sweet or a favorite tea or whatever your pick is haha
I know there are good men out there… It’s frustrating to me that the “Not all men” discussion keeps being brought up even though focusing on the “good ones” is entirely missing the point of the argument in the first place. We’re not talking about individuals, here. We always end up having to cuddle up men’s feelings, even in women only spaces, I’m so exhausted…
Anyway.
I’d say this: Trans men are amazing and they constantly rekindle my love for me. <3
Eh would it help to view it as coddling my feelings as a woman married to a man and who has a son? That’s where I’m coming from when I say it and I feel terrible if I in any way made it seem like I was trying to “not all men” at you. Sorry to be dismissive, even if accidentally.