Hi again everyone, im back with I dont even know what. Kind of a vent, kinda looking for advice/support? I just feel kind of lost right now.

I stopped HRT 3-4 weeks ago (after the 3 week trial period I decided to start).

Its hard to judge any definitive effects (time period, dosage, not being able to get my levels checked etc) but i think i felt better during that time. My partner atleast confirms they saw me as more happy/fulfilled/“whole” than they ever had seen me before, atleast during the last half of the trial period. And i can atleast confirm some experiences that felt new to me, an “excitement” or “urge” to go out for once. See what actually exists around were we recently moved to and such. Just more motivation generally but im not sure if i can attribute that to the HRT.

Im back now, a few weeks after stopping HRT and i dont even know where i am. I feel like im kinda back at where i started, empty, hollow and unsure in everything regarding my trans-journey. It feels like Ive fallen down a hole again, where everything just doesnt “fulfill” me.

What scares me about going on HRT long-term is being wrong, not being ready. What if im not trans? What if im wrong? What if my beliefs for thinking I am trans is rooted in the entirely wrong things and im just actually not? I want to figure that out before i commit and I struggle alot with it. What if this is just depression? What if its completely unrelated? The goblins in my head keep screaming at me.

Im not one to read in too much to dreams but i heard someone talk about one of the signs that made them realize they were trans were that they were always a girl in their dreams. Either way, that made me realize im no one in my dreams. Im always someone, as in first-person actually-a-person someone. But never more than so. Not leaning towards any “gender” in that sense. And that kinda gave me a little scare. Like wtf does that even mean?

In the end I try to tell myself. “Do whatever makes you happy”. But i have an incredibly hard time of actually believing in that for some reason. I know im not cis atleast, that is very certain. But i feel like i went out on the self-discovery/identity-discovery journey with a clear direction and now i just sit alone on an open ocean, unsure of what to do. (Note, i do not care too much for labels but im just scared of heading in the wrong direction, very common L for me)

I dont even know what advice or help im looking for but I figured its probably better to post it here than keep it in my head for even longer.

UPDATE:

Thank you all for your comments. Im sorry if I didnt answer but I will tell you that every single one of you helped alot. The amount of hope and strength you reinvigorated in me is unbelievable. This post really was the right choice.

Thank you all for commenting. You’re all amazing ❤️

  • Nulliza@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
    5·
    8 days ago

    First of all, wow, truly a feat, writing all that on mobile. Im afraid I wont have it in me to write an equally long essay in response ❤️

    Secondly, I do resonate with this alot. Reading this all I come to conclusion ive come to before. Thank you for reminding me of them ❤️

    I think I might have gotten really hung up on the “what if im not a woman?” part (ironically, since any labels are the least of my worries). I know that the minor things i started to notice made me feel good. Knowing my experiment did something made me happy. Knowing i didnt feel bad/uncomfortable/“wrong” on HRT made me happy. I was worried about presenting femme because i was afraid of not being seen as a woman. In hindsight maybe I shouldve just waited with that, but im happy i did it because i did get to wear all of the nice clothes i brought 😅❤️

    The depression worries stems from last year. I thought i was over my exhaustion/burnout period (which I was talking to a therapist for) but it turns out ending vacation, quitting HRT, going back to my full-time office job and awaiting an ADHD and Autism diagnosis might not be the best combination of events to handle simultaneously. I have noticed very clearly my motivation has dropped significantly after stopping. Self-care really plummeted along side that and I think thats also contributing to the lows.

    I guess I hoped for a more clearly defined answer than I got from my test and kinda freaked out when I couldnt figure more out and at the same time just went deeper into my hole.

    But I think youre right, if I felt better on estrogen than without it why should I stop taking it? I know im hyped for all of the physical and mental changes HRT provides. I know I want them. I might be somewhat worried about the fertility issue but we kinda had a bleak outlook on that to begin with so it definitely isnt a dealbreaker, although I will look into to sperm banking to see if its even feasible.

    I dont really know what more to put into words here. Thank you very much for your comment. I will return to this whenever I need to cheer myself up ❤️