Get a dog, you big lovable jerk.

Oh, no reason. But I was called into my manager’s office because I hadn’t turned it in early. I told everyone around me that they were looking to cut employees by figuring out who could handle more jobs.

Under “Hobbies” I put “Privateering”. Under “Fluent Languages” I put “None”.

We had to fill out a “personal biography” at work a couple years ago. Under “Thing I’m Most Proud of” I put “Time Magazine Person of the Year, 2006”.