I’m really sorry everyone…this is all my own damn fault, I’m not denying that in the slightest.

spoiler

I was planning to die today. But I guess I’m not even capable of doing that.
This is all because I’m such an overdramatic, pathetic loser, an excuse for a human being. After an appointment with a new psychiatrist where her first question was “What is your deadname?” and after she told me I “started HRT late”, I just fell into a deeper spiral. Now there’s uncertainty if I’ll even be able to go to Thailand for SRS, which made me full on suicidal upon finding out, so I just kinda…broke.
And there’s the constant regret of not starting sooner, constant self-deprecating and loathing from feeling like I’ll never be a woman. Hating my face and body every single waking second.
I’m just…depressed and not doing well right now. And I’m making it everybody’s problem.

I’m sorry, but I guess I’m sticking around. I’m not dead just yet. I’m making a new account and starting over. But…at least, maybe you’ll believe me now that I’m not actually a good person?
I’m really sorry. I’m actually the worst. I know that.

Maybe I should have died. Maybe. But…instead I guess I’ll bother you all some more, again, from zero.
I’m sorry for being such an unimaginable fuckup…

Sincerely,
a very depressed trans girl,
Miisha

  • Bryllyg@quokk.auEnglish
    16·
    6 days ago

    Girl listen to this 54 year old telling you that no one ever starts transitioning too late. If it makes you happy, don’t look back.

    It took me decades to get over my self hatred. But it doesn’t need to take you that long and honey you are doing amazing and you are stronger than you realize. It takes huge guts to come back and be here. Do not be ashamed. You are a badass.

    That psychiatrist sounds like a fucking idiot. Fucking yikes. You are not a bad person but you need a better therapist. Keep working on it, mental health can take a long time to smooth out but you can do it. If I can do it, you can do it. 💜

    • Miisha ♀️@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
      8·
      6 days ago

      Thank you. I honestly hope it doesn’t take me as long. Life would be a lot more fun without these worries

      Badass? Me? OwO

      The psychiatrist is the worst. I’m not really sure I wanna go back there, despite her being my main and only SSRI source…

      Thank you so much 🩷

    • birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
      5·
      6 days ago

      winters pile
      wise the wrinkle
      speaking truth.

      explanation

      Tried to write it as a haiku, following the rule that in Japanese, you write haikus using morae, not syllables. I think they’d be analysed as:

      wi•n•te pa•il
      wa•is the wri•n•ke•l
      spi•ki•n tru•th

      but if I wrote it wrong, here’s a syllable-based version:

      Up pile the winters
      wise in wrinkles of life hues
      truth cracks in fire.

      I hope it came across right, I wanted to say that you put it down very well :D and spoke a great truth. A truth nuke if you will.