I’m really sorry everyone…this is all my own damn fault, I’m not denying that in the slightest.
spoiler
I was planning to die today. But I guess I’m not even capable of doing that.
This is all because I’m such an overdramatic, pathetic loser, an excuse for a human being. After an appointment with a new psychiatrist where her first question was “What is your deadname?” and after she told me I “started HRT late”, I just fell into a deeper spiral. Now there’s uncertainty if I’ll even be able to go to Thailand for SRS, which made me full on suicidal upon finding out, so I just kinda…broke.
And there’s the constant regret of not starting sooner, constant self-deprecating and loathing from feeling like I’ll never be a woman. Hating my face and body every single waking second.
I’m just…depressed and not doing well right now. And I’m making it everybody’s problem.
I’m sorry, but I guess I’m sticking around. I’m not dead just yet. I’m making a new account and starting over. But…at least, maybe you’ll believe me now that I’m not actually a good person?
I’m really sorry. I’m actually the worst. I know that.
Maybe I should have died. Maybe. But…instead I guess I’ll bother you all some more, again, from zero.
I’m sorry for being such an unimaginable fuckup…
Sincerely,
a very depressed trans girl,
Miisha
You are loved, you are valid, and I know that you are beautiful, gorgeous and worthy!
I don’t deserve words as kind as those. And definitely not beautiful, you’ll see once I start posting pics on my new account 😂
Thank you ❤️You don’t know what any individual sees as beautiful. My tastes are mine, thank you very much, and I am unique goddammit!
Seriously, most people are hyper critical of how they look. Most folks hate the way they look in photos and how they sound in recordings. This isn’t a trans thing. This is a human thing. The trans part of this just amplifies that feeling sometimes. So, recognize that and accept that some people will love you and find you beautiful exactly as you are, no matter where you are on this trip.
love, please allow us to be present for you. i don’t want you gone anywhere, even if it’s not up to me to decide (your choice).
you will always be :
- a woman
- a woman
- a goddam beautiful woman
- valid
- loved
- heard
- expected here
you are a wonderful person and i am utterly shocked and angry beyond sanity for what the psychatrist dared to told you !
i am tempted to ask for name and shame the fucker here, but itd be better to tell to a local group nearby your location so that she cannot harm anyone ever again.
Loutreeee 😭
You’re such a sweetie and I really mean that ❤️. I got every one of your messages during the current and previous spirals. I really appreciate your concern. Thank you so much for being here for me <3
Love ya, girl 🩷girl, keep in mind that you are loved and I care about you.
still and will be here
luv u sis 💜
Girl listen to this 54 year old telling you that no one ever starts transitioning too late. If it makes you happy, don’t look back.
It took me decades to get over my self hatred. But it doesn’t need to take you that long and honey you are doing amazing and you are stronger than you realize. It takes huge guts to come back and be here. Do not be ashamed. You are a badass.
That psychiatrist sounds like a fucking idiot. Fucking yikes. You are not a bad person but you need a better therapist. Keep working on it, mental health can take a long time to smooth out but you can do it. If I can do it, you can do it. 💜
Thank you. I honestly hope it doesn’t take me as long. Life would be a lot more fun without these worries
Badass? Me? OwO
The psychiatrist is the worst. I’m not really sure I wanna go back there, despite her being my main and only SSRI source…
Thank you so much 🩷
winters pile
wise the wrinkle
speaking truth.explanation
Tried to write it as a haiku, following the rule that in Japanese, you write haikus using morae, not syllables. I think they’d be analysed as:
wi•n•te pa•il
wa•is the wri•n•ke•l
spi•ki•n tru•thbut if I wrote it wrong, here’s a syllable-based version:
Up pile the winters
wise in wrinkles of life hues
truth cracks in fire.I hope it came across right, I wanted to say that you put it down very well :D and spoke a great truth. A truth nuke if you will.
I’m glad you’re still here ❤️
Thanks ❤️
I’m kinda not right now, but it’ll get better
i’m very relieved you’re still here! nobody here think you’re a bad person, on the contrary - there are a lot of us here who love and want to support you. please keep bothering us :3
also, sincerely, fuck that therapist, and not in a good way. nobody deserves to be treated like that.
I am not trans. I have no trans friends. I am a male in Australia who is nearing 40 years old.
For what little my viewpoint carries in this sub, please know that I’m glad you’re still here.
You deserve love, happiness, acceptance and kindness just like anyone else. Please try to see the good in yourself. You are more than just your gender and your body. There are beautiful things about you, whether you’re hairy and masculine or tiny and feminine, or anywhere between.
Look for the good parts of you. The parts that are YOU at your core, regardless of genetals and genders. You are worth having around, whether your mind and body match fully, or not.
So I’m completely out of the loop here, but why would you not be a good person? You were dealt a shitty hand, but that does not make you a bad person.
I’m not sure about being dealt a bad hand…I’m extremely privileged for a trans person, yet I still complain so much…
Thanks anyway ♥️New account, also. Same Miisha tho
privilege does not make your complaints less valid!
I guess that’s true…
But I still realize just how good I have it. And it just feels kinda…selfish, I guess? IdkDealing with gender disphoria (I assume) and what your therapist told you is kind of a shitty hand. Telling someone in need of therapy that they were late to get help is a serious no go in my book.
Mental health issues are really tough to deal with. Depression specifically is just such a perfect storm of bullshit, even trying to get help is a colossal achievement. A lot of people struggle with that first step!
I don’t know you and, I don’t mean this in a mean way, I don’t care about you. Barely anyone does and that is a good thing. You don’t have to think about what stranger think of you, because the overwhelming majority just doesn’t think of you at all. Live your life, try to find happiness in your own way. I hope you find what you are looking for in life and live it to the fullest! ♥️
Omg jfc i was so worried about you, please take care of yourself sister, i love you. I cant stand thinking about the worst happening. I dont want to see you go ❤️❤️❤️
Edit: wish i could hug you until all the pain goes away, hoping that through the internet is enough ❤️
Luckily it’s not too hard to switch care providers. I don’t think you should stay with this one, what an awful person. Fuck that unprofessional behavior.
Miisha, honey, you are loved and valid and absolutely 100% a woman. And I’ve heard you say so many times that you’re ugly, and you very much are not! There is no such thing as too late to start HRT, and that new psychiatrist sounds awful. I’m glad you’re alive and here, and I hope you stick around ❤️
I did not realised you erased your real account. I don’t think anybody on blahaj hates you, and you are not a bother. You are giving activity to the community and without you and my precious little bitch, I would still try to repress everything. You are giving me hope with HRT even if I am older than you (your butt, omg) and that psychiatrist can eat all our shit combined. You are a sister and now I just want to offer you a big hug and sushi care with a hot beverage (chocolate, tea or whatever you want)
Mel, that’s so fucking kind of you 😭
Tysm sis ♥️. I actually love sushi!The psychiatrist can go screw herself, really. She’s just…bad
Your…precious little bitch…do you mean Loutre? 👀
And what about my butt this time? 😭Yes the cute little otter, mine
Didn’t you post a pic of your butt at some point ?
I see. I’ll leave you two to it then. Have fun girls 🩷
Didn’t you post a pic of your butt at some point ?
Oh I’ve posted many 😂
More are on the way 😆Your butt is really pretty 👉👈 and I would like to have one as pretty as yours (for my little bitch).
Please get better 🫂
Aww thank you, that’s super sweet of you ❤️
I’ll get better. I will 🩷Also…we may be rivals now 😂 /j
Maybe some day ^^ and if Loutre agrees when the time come
damn am i about to live the horniest dream life ever ? 🤤
I’ll be here, ready. I’m not giving up! 😂
🫂 We’re glad you’re still here
Thank you 🩷
Glad to be here, actually 🫂❤️❤️❤️
Does it matter if you’re “a good person”? Lots of folks here like you, you’re nice to have around, and we’re glad you’re still here. I think that’s what really matters.
I can only sent you my hugs, we are here for you, unconditiobally. If you need to vent, talk or just Chat about all the important nothingness I am here for that.
You do not take up anyoneS space, this space is specifically for you to use as it is for everyone else who needs it. There is plenty Space for us all. I am happy you are still around!
Thank you so much ♥️. You’re so fucking kind, I don’t even deserve that, at all…
Thank you. Really. To you, to everyone here. Thank you 🩷
Fuck that psychiatrist. We’re glad you’re still here
