Many of those seem quite extreme to me…
That’s very true. They also don’t seem very extreme when you’re inside of the abusive relationship. A lot of these get normalized.
I remember going to relationship counselling, and literally in the first session the counselor went into very - carefully - spoken - professional mode and said that they were unable to help us while that sort of thing was going on.
I was surprised, because I didn’t think any of it was that bad, and certainly not a patch on my previous bad relationship.
I’m sorry you were in that situation and congrats on getting out!
That was a really responsible counselor. It’s very dangerous to attend therapy or counseling with abusive partners because they end up learning new ways of manipulating their victims.
I only started to realize the situation I was in after I had my kid. Having the perspective of seeing how I was treated through their eyes helped me finally leave. I’ve never been happier :)
Yeah, that was definitely one of the final nails in the coffin, looking back.
Well done to you, too - getting through that sort of emotional meatgrinder is harder than most people think. I hope you and your sprog are doing well now :-)
It gets worse :( this is why us older ladies try to warn the younger ones so hard. Though it really applies to both genders
They don’t start that bad in the beginning. It ramps up gradually.
Gaslighting you into making you feel guilty and then using it against you to control you. Using your natural tendency to try to be agreeable and second guess yourself against you. Belittling you at every occasion. Silent treatments. Criticizing everything you do. Openly sexist remarks. Accusing you of ruining everything you touch. Angrily ranting against you to themselves when you’re in a different room but loud enough that your can still hear. Scoffing at you randomly. Argue against everything you say, often with blatant bad faith arguments to a point where you don’t even dare to speak. Controlling everything you do. Belittling you in front of other people. Making embarrassing scenes in public. Ordering you around like you’re a dog. Dehumanizing you. Trying to guilt you into giving them money.
That lasted only a week. I fortunately had enough life experience to tell that what was going on was not normal and walked away. She had tried to break me as a person and turn me into a thing she could just order around and abuse at will. It still took me the better part of a year and several consultations to finally get most of the effects of her gaslighting out of my head because I still had the “what if I’m the problem?” thought constantly coming back and keeping me awake at night. I’ve stopped thinking about it every day now but I’m still not fully recovered. It is true that you can severely mess up a person without ever laying a hand on them.
You know the stereotype of the unhappy marriage where one side always criticizes and down talks the other and all the other side responds is a meek and dissociated “yes dear”? It is often used for comedic effect in movies or shows. But now I know this can be real and it is anything but comedic. This person’s life is a daily torture and they should be rescued from it.
Good post, but I’d add one word: abuse thrives not just in extremes. It definitely can thrive in extremes.
Two of these things are not quite like the others
All of these actions can be part of an abusive situation.
How many crazy exes do you have?
