Everything but it’s slow going
I’m trying to let myself actually leave comments, to write things, to make art, etc. I usually clamp down on this as hard as I can, because the idea of anyone reading genuine thoughts or interacting with any actual piece of me is both terrifying and exposing.
But I am in my mid 30s now. I think I understand enough now to know that no one is ever going to be universally liked and supported, no one is ever going to exist without a little bit of interpersonal friction.
Do I still want to run from it every time? …Did I reconsider writing this comment about a dozen times while writing it? …yeah. But I am still trying. For this moment, I have the audacity.
I’m in this comment and I don’t like it. The worst part for me is feeling this way about reaching out to friends. I want to text them, I want to schedule a hangout, I want to be part of their lives, but every time I go to actually reach out I feel like I’m just imposing on them. I convince myself they don’t actually want to hear from me, that they think I’m Too Much™, that being excited to see them will push them away.
I just thought about deleting this comment. Here it is anyway…
I totally understand. I feel the same way. Your comment (and the others in this thread) help me feel less alone. Thank you for that; I genuinely mean it. I’m so sorry that your brain is mean to you like mine is to me. I hope you’re able to work to retrain it. You deserve better. <3
I feel this. My friends feel this, but I absolutely adore it when they do reach out as I feel loved and appreciated. So think of the joy you are bringing everyone just by reaching out.
Well done for getting this out there!
Yes, there is a vulnerability to it … some of the things I try to reply freely about now are parts of me that I didn’t want the world to know. But it’s been liberating, over all
I’m in my early 40s and I could have written your entire comment right down to the reasoning for hesitating to comment. I’ve written and deleted and rewritten and reworded this comment a few times.
For this moment, I have the audacity.
Also, to me, this is funny because I sometimes go by the name Audacity :)
Rest… and how demotivated I am at work.
I am 100% one of those people that other folks think is “ambitious” but honestly I just say what I think people want to hear about my career aspirations or whatever, and I don’t seem to understand what level of effort folks put into their work so I just burn myself out by trying to keep all the damn plates spinning.
This general issue mixed with some recent comments by our CEO as well as overall policy things just makes me hate my job. I joined this company because there was a huge focus on people first. It was a great culture with high camaraderie and management seemed to care (or at least to do things that made it seem like that), but over the last two years it’s like the claws of our US overlords have really dug in and we are now America-lite* as an entity.
So I am tired, and I am tired of pushing myself to this point and yet I can’t seem to stop myself. When I am working I don’t feel like it’s acceptable to let anything drop, so instead I am just irritable and miserable when I finish work until I have a good bit of *dissociation time*
*nb I am American but have lived in the UK for 13 years now and this particular regression toward American-style workplaces really gets to me.
That’s rough mate. You joined your company cos they offered something really important… it’s not a perk IMO it’s crucial. And they’ve taken that away for their own gain. Changing policies can change practices and all in all it’s not the same company.
We spend a lot of time at work so it’s really difficult when we hate it. It can make us miserable and irritated which is exhausting and just bad. It’s no wonder you’re feeling unmotivated.
What do your colleagues think about the whole thing?
Appreciate the support ❤️
Loads of folks in the same mental boat, but we’ve had about 10 leavers (~25%) of the core team that was there when I started in the last 18 months.
I have started applying for stuff but finding a new job right now is such a mess as well 😅😅
Yes it really is… hope it all goes ok
Ugh my weight/diet.
I’ve been with a therapist long enough to understand where it’s coming from though so now I just hear my mother’s voice criticizing me and then I get mad at it and then I feel guilty for being mad at it so I guess I still need a few more sessions.
Things that we learn in childhood are so hard to unlearn, they’re ingrained into us. Well done for working on it
Yes
