Stop getting relationship advice/expectations from 4chan, for starters.
But my relationship is going a little too well
It’s best to explain why what’s your doing is not mansplaining. That always works.
The real answer is to leave. I don’t think I’ve ever had a meaningful or productive conversation where any of these were used.
Though I can see stonewalling being used in earnest.
Stonewalling is probably the best only one on that list where a response would actually make anything better.
It’s best to explain why what’s your doing is not mansplaining. That always works.
If somebody accuses you of mansplaining, there is nothing you can do. that makes this so toxic as an argument. It’s basically saying “Whatever you are saying or want to say is worthless because of your gender”. I know that mansplaining is in theory a specific kind of disrespectful explaining, but in too many cases it’s used to deflect valid arguments. If someone is acting like that, the only way is to not interact further.
yep. the terms in the op are all thought terminating rhetoric and simply attacks.
Yeah that top part was a joke.
It would be like asking a woman if it’s her time of the month or if she’s PMSing. It’s aggressively devalidating and at that point there’s nothing to say.
I have a sister in law like this. She’s really cool and we generally get along but God damn is she hard to deal with sometimes.
There was one instance where it was our niece’s birthday and we had made this shitty balloon arch for pictures. When it came to the end of the party and we needed to break it all down, I knew that a bunch of the balloons had like confetti in them. She was helping with the breakdown, and I had dealt with these before so I was like “watch out for the confetti balloons, try to cut them open near the know and let the air out slow, and do it over a garbage can incase it pops. They will shoot confetti everywhere if they pop and it’s a pain in the ass to clean up” and she just turned at me with tho most vitriol “ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO MANSPLAIN TO ME HOW TO POP BALLOONS?!” and I was like “Okay jeez, was just trying to help”
Not two minute later I see her with a pin just popping the balloons off of the arch. Fucking confetti everywhere. I turned to my wife, who saw the exchange and I was like “yeah I’m not helping clean that up”
This is the same woman who screams about body shaming etc, and when she expressed interest in one of my friends who is Japanese said “He’s hot but it’s too bad he probably has a small dick”. Like… That’s racist AND body shaming.
We agree on a lot of things socially and politically, and like I said generally we get along, but she also complains very loudly about how she can’t keep relationships sustained and it’s like… Yo, all you do is vocally complain about how men are the source of all problems. But you also want to be with one?
Like, look… I’m all in support of feminism, but it should be about rising women up, not chopping men down. I didn’t choose to be born with a penis. Why am I automatically an enemy? I’m an ally.
Fuck.
First part: mansplaing and helping are often hard to tell apart. Especially if you get mansplained all the time. In this case I am sure you are in the right.
Second part: we didn’t choose to have a penis but we are part of the patriarchy problem. We were socialized with privileges and those let us behave in a way that keeps said patriarchy working. Feminism for me is about figuring out what helps to level the playing field and what doesn’t. I am wrong a lot.
Being an ally is sometimes confused with “I am not doing anything wrong” like not being sexist. That is not enough anymore. We need to speak up when somebody else uses behaves in a sexist way. We need to actively change things because we are the patriarchy and by being part of that are helping to keep the status quo just by existing as a male in the society and passively enjoying the privileges that come with that.
First part: mansplaing and helping are often hard to tell apart. Especially if you get mansplained all the time. In this case I am sure you are in the right.
One of the problems with “Hello, I’m from the internet and I have a story where I was definitely right and the other person was the asshole” is that you’re getting a very one-sided narrative without any historical context.
Just-So rants are a dime a dozen around here. “Why am I the victim, just because I’m a guy?” has - in my experience - been a big fucking red-flag.
The difference between mansplaining and helping is all about the level of condescension attached to your “help”. If you are genuinely trying to relay information that you feel may help someone…you’re good. If you’re talking down to someone that you feel would already have this information, if only they had been born with a penis…you’re being a misogynistic asshole.
tell her to calm down, she is being hysterical
And then suggest the Edwardian era cure for hysterical women: orgasm.
Respond with a strong assertive wave of the hand and a firm “silence women”
“Men are speaking” emphasised with a pat on the bottom.
Probably that time of the month
Stop talking.
Either you’re being an arse or they are.
Stop talking.
Oh, so you’re stonewalling me?
“I need to step back from this conversation as i’m getting disregulated. Please allow me some time”
I use all these techniques to get out of paying for prostitutes.
(Just kidding I can’t afford prostitutes)
I feel like everyone here needs a reminder that love bombing is something that happens AFTER mistreatment to make the victim calm down and become compliant.
This isn’t just being overly affectionate, it’s a technique used to manipulate behavior and keep a victim loyal.
“…this is a Wendy’s.”
Anon you’re an asshole and you know this since kindergarten. Stop gaslighting
“I do tend to overexplain and I’m sorry, please shut me down if I do, but please believe me when I tell you that I overexplain everyone and it has nothing to do with your perceived gender, I just have the *tism.” - this is my usually response because it’s true.
I got accused of mansplaining because I was helping someone on a tech support call (they were taking the call to support a user, and I was assisting them) and I started with the basic information they’d need to understand the problem and how to fix it. After the call she turned around to the guy next to her and complained about it and he was just like, “oh, no, he’s like that with everyone”.
My philosophy was based on the fact that our managers hired people for people skills over technical background because they assumed the tech stuff could be trained and that if someone was asking me for help there was a gap in their knowledge somewhere and I had no way to know where it was other than to begin at the beginning and work through it. Most people appreciated it. But some were full of themselves and got pissed about it, those types typically didn’t last very long on that job.
Ask “Why do you feel that’s what I’m doing?” then reflect on the answer and how your behaviour was perceived this way. Finally, if after reflection you come to the conclusion that indeed you acted poorly, apologise and try to behave differently in the future.
“Because youre doing it”
Now you’ve determined that your partner is a poor communicator, because “because” is never a useful answer. Now your question is whether to try to work with your partner to improve communication, or give up on an adult whose communication skills haven’t advanced beyond those of a child in first grade.
Because is literally the answer to any question starting with “why”. Even if you leave “because” unsaid it’s implied in any response to “why?”
You are a big girl, use proper words.
